By Karolyn Benger
The high holidays are upon us and we are charged to take this time to reflect on our actions and evaluate the choices we have made. It is a special time for self discovery, introspection, and tshuvah…unless you are the mother of a small child. If, like me, you have a child too young for the children’s activities at synagogues then you may find yourself standing around outside of the schull, loitering in front of the kiddush hall, or even just staying at home.
Unfortunately, too many synagogues do not provide children’s activities that would allow their mothers a chance to daven. All too often women are forced to invent their own solutions: round robin babysitting with another mother or hiring a non-Jew to babysit. But is this right? I cannot help but wonder, if the synagogue has not provided a small amount of childcare, do they not care about the tefillot of women?
I know the answer and excuses I will get for posing this question. The apologetics will say women are doing the most important thing by tending to their children. Well, yes we are, however this assumes that a woman’s only role in relation to the Jewish people and with Hashem is that of a childcare provider. Based on the Torah’s discussion of Sarah, Rivkah, Miriam, Devora and many others I find this doubtful.
The practical ones will cite the obvious budget constraints. Yet no one said childcare needs to be free. I am sure many women would willing pay for coverage on these days– Yom Kippur in particular.
The more Haredi will note that since women cannot make up a minyan they can and should daven elsewhere while caring for their kids. I would first like to ask anyone who raises this point if they have ever tried to daven– or do anything for that matter– while caring for small children. More important, this approach actively excludes women from the community. Simply because women do not make up a minyan does not mean that they must daven on their own. While it seemingly allows for female prayer- given the constraints of each child’s schedule and needs– it is still lacking in providing a solution for women. By not providing childcare women, whether they choose it or not, are forced to daven on their own. Doing this not only puts tremendous difficulty on women to find the time to pray while caring for her children but what’s more, it does not allow her the opportunity for honest reflection and tshuvah. Her prayers and efforts to fulfill the mitzvot become an after thought. And she becomes a lone person rather than a member of a vibrant and rich kehillah.
If we, the Jewish people, are judged as a people then we cannot ignore the prayers of our young mothers. More synagogues should provide childcare for multiple ages and more men and women should demand it.
Thank you for articulating the thoughts of many. As a stay-at-home mom, who is homeschooling her kids, I do spend more than adequate time serving Hashem in this capacity. When I yearn for more traditional prayer, I am at the mercy of those who choose when and how my kids should be cared for. This erosion of women from shul life sets mothers of small children apart at a time which can feel isolating and lonely to begin with.
Thank you for sharing this. It can be particularly isolating to be alone on the high holidays. If a woman’s role as a mother is considered with so much esteem, I wonder why her emotions and connection to the community are not.
I agree with all your points, but I’ll add– why single out the women? I know childcare typically falls on the mother more often, but women are obligated in hearing the shofar and need to be there at some point. For any father who considers himself an equal partner in raising his children, he will be missing parts of the davening as well, when he is outside with the children and there are no child care options. We have this problem currently, and my husband and I take turns leaving the room and being in the service. Definitely not ideal. On Yom Kippur it’s even worse because I don’t think it’s appropriate to have kids running around the shul.
Thank you for your post. Interestingly, Sephardic women are not obligated to hear the shofar because of the constraints of childcare. While I appreciate the recognition of how difficult positive, time-bound commitments are on a woman who is caring for her childten, this approach seems only to further exclude. I know of many communities that organize mobile shofar blowing for the sick, elderly, and women with small children. This is nice and proper and yet…
I agree with you and I think you have to take the initiative to organize something in your Community and that this will serve as an example for all the others. Congratulations and Beesrath Ashem best wishes for a great success.
Let’s not forget the moms with special needs kids who are unable to bring their children to shul or groups or the like because they can not sit still or quietly. While I would never assume the shul should cover the cost of caregivers skilled in the needs of some children, as you pointed out, many of us would be willing to pay for the privilege of davening with our community. The lack of options is mind-blowing, especially since there are those of us willing to help find solutions. As my son’s bus driver used to say, “I feel ya!”
I hear what you are saying, when I was single I enjoyed going, then I had kids and when they were small I didn’t want to go BUT now… I’m hunting down people to see if they can sit but with the Chaggim in the middle of the weeks it’s been hard finding one.